Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
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According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad