Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
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I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.