Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
You Might Also Like
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
This came to me in a dream.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”