Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
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[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Lol
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.