@BadaBinge: Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
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@Eightinchgoat: My son asked me what language they speak in England. This would have been cute if he wasn't 20 ... And in college.
@farleftcoast: The recent fake excitement of soccer in the U.S. confirms my belief that Americans will pretend to like anything they can scream USA about.
@ryan9billion: I liked watching squirrel soap operas unfold in my backyard right up until the damn neighbor cat murdered all the actors.
@TheMichaelRock: [at interview] Her: In three words or less, tell me why we should hire you. Me: I'm good with numbers.