Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
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New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Does beer think about me too?
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
real