call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
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My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
As the Lord intended
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.