Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
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a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Pickled cat.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.