Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
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Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Did you know?
Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”