Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
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I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
do what now??
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Canada has crack?