Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
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I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
When ur friends with white people
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.