Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
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I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
this independent good boy don’t need no human
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them