Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
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Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?