Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
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Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Just a friendly reminder!
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.