@lazerdoov: Call your boring friend Simon, "Sighmon" he'll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
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@AskAuntieEm1: I can't seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don't need their assistance in the bathroom.
@SortaBad: [speed dating] her: I really want to have a child some day. What about you? me: define "child"
@internetluke: [last supper] Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say Judas (sweating): no not really
@samalmightysam: Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.