Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
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him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri