@lazerdoov: Call your boring friend Simon, "Sighmon" he'll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
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@fred_dog: I think my neighbor's dog is in heat. She's been crying the last 2 nights. I may need to take one for the team if I want to get some sleep.
@shutupmikeginn: Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
@Sadieisonfire: I learned how to count cards so I could hustle idiot 4 year olds out of their juice box when we play Go Fish
@_blotty: [ocean's 11 music] So here's the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it's a cash playground boys