@lazerdoov: Call your boring friend Simon, "Sighmon" he'll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
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@StephenAtHome: The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
@ConanOBrien: According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
@Rollinintheseat: The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it's okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
@Bandersnaaatch: A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.