Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
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Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.