Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
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America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you