Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
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What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
so much to do
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?