One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
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11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Everyone’s family
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar