Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
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Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
no refunds
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.