*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
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The dark side of Canada
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”