[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
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“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*