Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
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How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.