*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
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Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
I got soap in my shower beer again.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.