@ericsshadow: "To prove how much I love you I'm going to eat this entire pizza." That's not what I - "Please stop. Let me do this."

@TheMongoose69: Had to get sticky tape and gift tags surgically removed from my body at the hospital... Proving once again that white guys can't wrap.

@SarahR_82: I tailgated a cop who pulled out of the doughnut shop so he'd know what it feels like when he follows me from the bars.

@SteveSuckington: When you send food back to the kitchen, you're basically saying, "Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please."

@batkaren: JON: What should I do with these extra mustard packs? MARY: Just stuff 'em in the Lazy Susan. SUSAN: Hey, I'm right here! (*remains seated*)