*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
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I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
PARKOUR
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Why are bridges so flammable.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.