*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
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genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Catercrombie & Fish
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Chicken bread
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car