*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
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Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁