*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
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I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?