*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
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I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.