*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
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hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Every. Damn. Time.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie