*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
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[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”