*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
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[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move