Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
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Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
My beach vacation Google searches
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.