hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
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I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u