[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
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Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking