@itshotterhere: *calls you by wrong name in bed, blames autocorrect*
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@pembdave: Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
@FrogAvalanche: *leads horse to water* "You're not gonna drink, are you?" *horse neighs* "It's The Fountain of Eternal Youth." Horse: You're not foaling me.
@stephenjmolloy: Doctor: "I'm afraid-" *Wife crying* "I'm afraid your husband is in a better place now." *cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*