Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
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I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
How to woo a woman
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”