@Book_Krazy: Calm down 'Fitbit' joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
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@SatansTongue: *wife opens present* "You got me the action figure you wanted?" Ugh if you don't appreciate it then give me it *takes gift and runs to room*
@StansaidAirport: Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
@mjkspeaks: Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
@DaveWeasel: The words 'selfie' and 'twerk' have been added to the dictionary this year while 'charm' and 'dignity' have been removed.