Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
You Might Also Like
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.