Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
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Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
These are my roll models.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”