If you know, you know
You Might Also Like
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Hitlers gonna hitl
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?