[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
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My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
i hate you platonically
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
rise and shine we got egg