[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
You Might Also Like
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
I like donuts.
Twitter:
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Worth the read.