[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
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Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
George Michael plays a genetic scientist whose work accidentally wipes out 80% of the human population in .. ‘Careless CRISPR’
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me