CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
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HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary