Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
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[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news