When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
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I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Always…
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood