[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
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ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
did it work
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.