A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
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Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
San Francisco has too many rules
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.