@mydmac: Can I get a piña colada please.
'This is Starbucks'
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
@ProdigyNelson: *coroner takes picture of my body after I'm brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
@pharmasean: You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don't dance n if he don't dance then he ain't no horse of mine
@mompsychologist: 3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: "Privacy, please"
3yo: "Oh, right" *closes door*
"Now we have privacy, Mommy"
@withanewname: "Doc, it's embarrassing, but I don't feel sexy."
"Try wearing the wife's panties."
"Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice"
@Book_Krazy: Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don't know him he goes to different school.