Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
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“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
Breaking news:
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.