@mydmac: Can I get a piña colada please.
'This is Starbucks'
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
@OfficeLinebcker: "If I eat my arm, I can't technically gain any weight" - my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
@dumbbeezie: "You ruined everything."
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
@SufficientCharm: *Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE'S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
@SamGrittner: I celebrate International Women's Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their 'JUST FOR MEN' products while screaming: "NOT TODAY!"
@PunLovinLad: The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard