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You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Incredible customer service.
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*