“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
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All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*