The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
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Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Oh my god
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go